All for love.

The last two weeks have not been good. My heart hurts. And yet I am so rich because my heart could not hurt if were it not filled with love. Such rich love for those that hold my heart.

Don’t worry, it wasn’t my husband. I adore him. He is so good at loving me.

And there is another that holds me so tight that even the broken pieces do not fall out and shatter. He binds those wounds with the promise of His faithfulness.

And it’s for this great LOVE that we do what we do. That we carry on. That we get back up after messing up. That we try again though we did wrong.

It’s for this great LOVE that we strive. Not because we have to, but because we want to. Because we are compelled to be closer to the One we love most. I cannot explain it, if you don’t know it. But I urge you to pursue. To just find out what I speak of.

My husband is out with friends and my girls are sleeping, and so alone I turned on some music, wrapped presents, and worked through things that are bothering me. A song came on that laid me bare. I’ll probably regret writing something during such an emotional moment and maybe I’ll delete it later. But for now it’s here.

 There are moments when I think of my mom in her last moments and the missing of her hits me so hard. It’s hard for me to reconcile losing her, with the life that I know she is now fully living. I miss her.

And so I push past those moments and focus on God and His gifts. Gifts so rich that I am suddenly filled with gratitude.

For the gift of a mother that I did not truly understand until now.

For a faithful, loving husband that stands beside me, holding me up when I feel so completely alone otherwise. For my lovely daughters that sing of God’s goodness and humor and beauty. For the others that are loving me from afar (they know who they are). For those that try to push me away.

I am thankful.

You see, when I look around, I see so much more. It’s this “lifting my eyes to hills” thing that I’ve got to remember… It heals the heart. It cleanses the eye. It strengthens the bones.

And so… I urge you to take a few minutes and listen to this song. Close your eyes and let God change your perspective.

Kristene Mueller: Homeward Bound.

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4 thoughts on “All for love.

  1. Hi Katy, your words are beautiful. My thoughts are full of your Mother at this time of year in that she always tried to include us for something she was doing. I miss her. I love you and yours and want to wish you a very merry Christmas. Love Grandpa Mann

  2. I feel your hurt in your poetic words. You are so strong and in such hard times. It is such a wonderful thing to have the Lord and His blessings to focus on when people or life disappoints us. I am so proud of you. God made you in His image and added a cup of sugar and a whole bunch of Dawn in there. That is why you are so such a special and admired person by so many. You don’t have a mean bone in your body. Your husband and girls are so blessed to have you! I am praying for OUR family and have a heavy heart for all the hurt that has passed. When I look at little Hailey and think of how happy Dawn would have been to see such a beautiful miracle from her beloved nephew I cry. But, I know she is smiling down from heaven at her, Macie and most of all your little girls and singing for joy. Love you Katie.
    Jeanna Mann

    1. Thanks Jeanna! She would have adored Hailey. Who knows? Maybe she can see her, maybe she can see what wonderful parents you and Chuck are…

    2. Very, beautifully put Jeanna, and you are right, You
      don’t know how many times I have looked at Hailey’s
      beautiful face and thought to myself how happy Dawn
      would have been to have known her and to be a part
      of her life. And she left behind a wonderful Daughter
      in her image and she would be so very proud.

      And Katie, I pray everyday that she can see all of us .
      I don’t know if it makes any sense or if it is possible
      but sometimes just being able to wonder what if,
      helps a little when days seem too hard. So I will
      continue to wonder WHAT IF. And through it all
      I continue to remind myself how Blessed I am to have
      been given such a wonderful Gift as my Daughter.

      And Katie your words are always beautiful and your
      Mom also was blessed to be able to live the life that
      she loved and to be given three beautiful daughters.

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