I was 28 years old before I felt a literal pull towards heaven. I always knew that was where my heart was supposed to call home. But I have been so blessed on this earth, in every aspect, through it all so touched by the divine in this earthly place that I could not understand heaven. Perhaps it’s because the Kingdom of heaven has always felt very real to me right here where I’m at. I think that’s how it’s supposed to be. With the anticipation of something more. Maybe… I don’t know.
But having my mom there makes it very real. Knowing that she is somewhere outside of time and dimension worshiping in the fullness of what she could never be on earth is a thought that always lingers in the back of my mind. Wondering, curiosity, a little tug towards the ultimate divine. A piece of myself is with Jesus, right now…
No walls. No barriers. Just the Savior Himself glowing with the light of a thousand suns, radiating colors my mind’s eye cannot imagine, speaking with a voice like the sound of rushing waters, a love so all-consuming that it envelops all that once was and bathes it in white. Gold. Ultimate healing.
My little Izzy talks about grandma a lot. It will be a sad day for me when she stops missing her. When she doesn’t remember. I’ll do my best to remind her. But heaven is in her heart.
She talks about Grandma Icecream a lot. She talks about heaven. She wants to know when we will go there and then she struggles with having to leave her home and toys. And it’s all very normal. Cause I struggle with the same things. Even though I know it will be better than I can even imagine…
And so heaven is also in our home. We talk about it often, questions coming from the mind of a four year old that echo the questions I have in my own mind. She doesn’t ever doubt that it’s a real place or that Jesus is close to her at all times. She just doesn’t understand it, and that mis-understanding doesn’t scare her away. She accepts that that’s how it is. That she can trust mommy and daddy. That she can talk it out and question and talk it out some more and question… all the while sitting safely in faith.
Of course she doesn’t know it’s faith. Cause it’s just how it is. It’s not compartmentalized. There’s not a part of her that believes in Jesus and another part of her that chases things that break His heart. She doesn’t go to church and act like she’s something she’s not and then run around being a hypocrite all the other days of the week.
She just is who she is. Learning still. Asking questions. Safely cocooned in love. Living in faith.
All she really knows is that Jesus is real, heaven is real, and that Grandma Icrecream is there. And little by little, she’ll figure the rest of it out. And just as I hope that she’ll never forget grandma, I pray that she will never get scared of her questions or of the unknown. That as she seeks out the truths of God, she will also revel in the missing pieces of the mystery of who God is.