Difficult to write. Difficult to read.

Ever have a moment that, looking back, you can’t believe you lived through? Ever had a moment so terrible and so good at the same time? A moment that you detest, but would not give up for anything? A moment that you hate to remember but pray that you never forget?

Tonight, my grandma and I had a email conversation about the worst night of my life.

Putting it here is like an outlet. A release. So that I keep my sanity. If I keep my memories safe here, then I can let them go in my mind. Sounds strange, but it is what it is.

So what on earth am I talking about? I just told my grandma the little details from my mom’s last moments. You see, everyone had left the room, including me, and it was only my mom’s voice that brought me back. She was awake for the first time in days and looking right at me with beautiful wide eyes. I took her hand and told her I loved her.

And that’s when it happened. I promise you that my heart literally stopped. Everything inside of me dropped like I was on a rollercoaster. I couldn’t take a breath. Nothing in my life could have prepared me for that moment.

And I hate that moment. But I will cherish it with every fiber of my being for the rest of my life because I was holding my mom when she went to Jesus. Her face was the first one I saw when I came into this world, and mine was the last face she saw when she went out of it.

I cannot explain anything. I cannot put a rhyme or a reason on life. All I know is that we need Jesus. We need Him as an anchor of the soul both sure and steadfast. Never changing. A foundation that will not be moved. Will not be shaken. A tower, a support beam, the cornerstone. The ONE that took mom and brought her into his peaceful kingdom, then put his hand on my chest and said, “Just breathe.”

He is there.

I don’t know how we would get through it without Him.

I have wondered countless times what on earth God was thinking taking this woman from the earth? Doesn’t He know that her kids need her? That her husband needs her?

My only answer is “Yes, I know.” And that familiar hand on my heart, saying “I will take care of it.”

So I plant my feet on the only thing I know for sure. Jesus.

You see what He is to me tonight… what is He to you??? Do you even know the wonder of His love?