Some things need to be bound…

I’m leading worship at the women’s conference in Redding this Saturday and the theme is “Taking Our Thoughts Captive.”

This one hits home. My entire life has been an exercise in taking my thoughts captive. When I was a child I had an overdeveloped sense of guilt (still do) and was convinced that confession was the only way I could get thoughts out of my head. My poor mother had to endure too many encounters with me sobbing my eyes out because I had “something terrible to tell her.” My confessions would usually end with a relieved response from her like, “Oh, is that all?”

As a young adult, my thoughts turned fearful. This grew worse the summer before I was married.  Living in the country with no street lamps and only stars to light the dark finally took it’s toll on me. I doubt you’ll ever see this country girl go back to that way of life.

This “fearfulness” grew stronger in the first two years of our marriage.  If Nick was gone, I “slept” on the couch.

And then I had my first child. My brain was flooded with a whole new kind of fear. The “what ifs.” Once, I had to pull over on the side of the road because I was crying so hard out of fear that Izzy would choke on a piece of meat.

I thought it would all go away on it’s own. But it didn’t. Much like a compulsion, it just got stronger every time I gave in to it. I would burst into tears over things that hadn’t happened and pray continuously for God to take my thoughts captive according to His will.

And then I realized that I had to do my part.

I had to stop giving into the fearful thoughts. When one jumped in, I had to push it away. It was hard at first.  But the more I tried, the more I practiced “bouncing” my thoughts, the easier it became.

It was a long process… but here I am 7 years later… and I am bouncing my thoughts more easily. We tell people to bounce their eyes from images that cause them sin, but sometimes we have to do that with thoughts. We bounce away from the fearful thought and to something else positive. Like Sonic limeades or In N Out burgers… Yummm… see?

Two weeks ago, Nick went on an overnight trip, I slept in our bed. Not the couch. And I slept all night. This might not sound like a big deal, but it was a first for me in seven years. Cause I’m “bouncing” my fearful thoughts. It’s not easy, but I had too. I couldn’t spent my entire life living out experiences that had never happened. Grieving things I had never lost. And filling my brain with toxic worries.

God’s gift to me is freedom. It cost Him everything. I cannot willingly step back into those chains.

What are your fears? How do you combat them?


9 thoughts on “Some things need to be bound…

  1. Katie,

    What a wonderful blog! I have had to put my thoughts into a trunk and put a padlock on them!

    I really relate to your “what ifs” all too well.
    I just had a weekend with my daughter who just turned 23 on Monday, and boy, “she didn’t like the gift I gave her”, “why doesn’t she love me?” kept going on and on in my head. My husband tells me to take those thoughts captive, and turn my eyes to Jesus! I can’t wait for the conference this weekend and to hear your beautilul voice leading all us ladies in worship!

  2. My biggest fear is that somehow I’ll miss IT, or I have missed IT. IT being that big plan God has for my life that brings my passions and desires together for something that will wonderfully glorify Him. You know, God’s best. So I pray for wisdom. A lot 🙂

  3. My dear friend, It’s as if you have echoed my heart on this post. Of course I have fears and as I began to write this very note, the words just poured out. After reading what I had written, I erased them from here. Some of my fears have been shared before and still others are those which I cannot even believe I’m still holding onto. With simplest words and a prayerful heart, all I can say is…praise GOD for HIS faithfulness, comfort, and love!

  4. Oh Katie, this one hits home with me. I use to be so fearful also and am still working on it. Especially when it comes to Xander. It was an anxiety. I so hear you on sleeping in your bed and through the night when Nick is not home. That is so hard for me when Glenn is not home. Eventually I just have to start repeating scriptures to myself and singing praises until I sort of fall asleep. Thank you for sharing your heart as you always do and you do it so beautifully.

  5. I love reading your blog, Katie. I too have fears! I’ve never had Mike home at night in the whole 6 years we have been married. He always works nights and never gets home until about 3am. I go to sleep alone every night begging God to bring him home safe. His job is so dangerous, I never know what he is doing out on the streets in the middle of the night.
    God has given me strength to be alone each night with my boys and every morning he brings Mike home to me.
    Sometimes I wonder what life would be like to have a normal family schedule where Dad works 8-5. Then I realize… Mike would be hogging the TV every night and now I get to do whatever I want when the kids go to bed… ha!

    1. hahaha… that is something I have learned to enjoy… getting time alone before Nick get’s off work. I have learned to really look forward to that time, and then after I get time with Nick too.

  6. Wow, Katie. Just hopped over to check out your blog.

    This is profound. I especially echo your thoughts to stop living out experiences you’ve never had. whew….

    yeah – I’d much rather have a Sonic slush than deal with that. but, wait…

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