This has been a heavy week for me and Nick- in good and bad ways.
It has been a week of confessions. Not between Nick and I, but with other people. A week of people sharing the darkness in their lives; their secrets, their sins. All of them seeming to know that they need to pluck these things out of their lives but not knowing how. Or about knowing that they need to do something drastic but not knowing how to do it.
My shoulders are heavy. It’s time for me to go to the cross of Christ, kneel down, and set these burdens there before Him- the only one that can redeem the things I have heard. Please know, that if you were one of the ones to confess something or ask for help, I am not complaining. I thank God for you. Nick thanks God for you. This is why we are here in Medford. This is what God has asked from us and we accept glady and gratefully.
It’s just hard to see so many hurting. It’s hard to know what the “fix” is for you, and yet to not be able to tell you because you might not accept it. Or because you are too hurt to believe. Or too hardened to feel. Or too afraid to take a risk. Or too convinced that you are right.
Anything that’s worth anything will cost you something.
Nick always tells me that we have to be reckless in following God. Reckless. That means we do whatever it takes to get that yucky, toxic, festering thing out of our lives before it kills us. Because it will kill you. God said so. Sin causes death. Maybe not a physical death, but something inside of you dies. Or a relationship dies. Or you lose something more precious that you even knew. Or you never quite embrace Christ because there’s this wall standing in your way. Your hurts and hardened places forever skew the way you see your God, and therefore, you never really see Him. We have to recklessly obey Him.
The best things will cost you everything.
Now let me confess something to you. Four years ago Nick and I moved to Medford. Certain words that were spoken to me before we moved affected me to deeply that I was broken before we even arrived in Medford. I was a in a dark, selfish hole that I didn’t know how to get out of. So Nick moved me back to Redding.
I was wrong. I was selfish. And I know that. But…what I want you to focus on is what Nick did for me, his wife. He did not want to move back. But he did it for me. You can debate all day long on whether that was the best thing for us. I’ll never know. That move cost him so much. His dreams. His career. He left a job he loved to become a janitor. For a year. I think that year broke him.
But he tried. For me. For our marriage. He literally laid down his life for me, and he never made me feel bad about it. Even though that time back in Redding was so hard, I never doubted that he loved me most. And that made me love him more. Then he knew that I loved him. And in the midst . . . we drew closer and closer to each other. And together, did so many great things. Adventures both good and bad.
Last year, he came to me and told me that he wanted me to pray about moving back to Medford. The thought scared me because we were in another scary time of financial instability with two kiddos and I could not imagine adding another change to that mix.
Obviously, we moved. Here we are. I’m right where God wants me. And it was so hard getting there. There were arguments, my faith was tried, and it hurt for a time. But God asked me what following Him was worth… and I answered, “Anything.” And it has been so worth it. I look around, and see my beautiful babies and my husband, I see the young adults that gather in my home every Friday night seeking the Lord, and amidst it all, I think,”I am a blessed woman!”
I laid it all on the line for my husband. I’m not trying to sound great or holy or anything, cause I’m not. I was bound in fear … and I still am. And I’m also not saying that we were right or wrong to leave in the first place. That is not the point.
The point is that our marriage was first. Nick laid down his dreams to put me first. Then I had to leave all that I knew and follow him. I had to trust him. Things like that, no matter how painful, only strengthen a marriage. My husband loves me.
So that is my confession. Please don’t misunderstand my heart. We are only seven years into this thing and are not so naive to think that it has anything to do with us. It’s about God. And being reckless to follow Him. And about obeying no matter the cost, or about doing whatever it takes to get the sin out of your life.
God is first. I’m not talking about ministry or doing things for God. Just God. Loving God. You and Him alone. And if you’re married, your marriage is second. No ifs, ands, buts about it. Following God and putting your spouse first is never a mistake. Never.
What is the will of God worth to you?
Join me at the cross.